Yahoo! I feel great!!! But I don't know why. I don't care for that. I care for my mood and a girl who was cut off fron thу Internet by her mother...

@музыка: Bad Balance "Светлая Музыка"

@настроение: так и прёт пизитив!

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Good!

My mood is high now! Great!!! Thank you all for not forgetting me!!! Thanks for interaction!

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Home call

My parents live far away from me. It will take the whole day for me to get to them even by air.

I call 'em every week. Thanks to my Mom for her support! It's great to have someone who loves you just for nothing!

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How to be resurrected

Типо, что в чувства может привести

Imagine that you are in the complete strange city. You don't like this megapolis at all. The friends are far away.

You realize that no one is obliged to help you. You'll have to survive and have a kind of success in your goddammned job.

But several times in different jobs the boss calles you for the sincere coversation. The boss doesn't want to insult you direcly. Non-direct insultation brings more pain. The boss is friendly and shows the good will to help you. To help you anderstand that they don't need you at all. Seeking for job takes a lot of time. In adition you feel like the last piece of stinking shit of the Universe. You think a lot. And the results of this thinking are not satisfactory for ya. You start giving up. Then comes hope and strong will to change your life for good. Finally you got the job.

You live in the subburbs in this city with the people you don't want to live with. Yuor interests are strictly different. Your minds are different from the beginning to the end. You start to look for the virtual freinds or someone ready just to listen to you carefully.

Then you enter the chat and see some one once you wrote kind words of moral support. You tell some facts about your life. She tells you a little about her. Then you make her soul show up. You see this soul you caress it. Poor little suffering soul. You start to care about this. But you yourself come alive and wake up from some somnabulic state of the soul. Your own soul. You want to stop this suffering. You heart and that one of your opponent feel the sympathy, then more that sympathy. Some kind of love probably.

But the phone calls worsen the situation. You and she want to posess each other right here right now to let your hearts talk openly.

You miss her. So she does. You start to make her let set you free. You push hear bleeding heart away. But she insists, she doesn't want to obey you. She doesn't want to let you go and you start thinking that you were wrong with this foolish desperate attempts to push her away.

Now you thank her for waking you up and bring her apoligies for behaving so selfishly. You realize that you are responsible for someone you cared and care...

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That's the way it is

Как мне дали

I hadn't made love with a girl for a long-long time.

Half a year ago I saw her. She was a stout ugly thing. I felt at first a sort of anticipation towards her. But then something told me that I should just keep in touch with her 'cause she was lonely but open-hearted irrespective of her not-so-pretty appearance. Indeed she was different. Not like those chicks that were arond me at the moment.

I gave no shit towards her apperance. She was always freindly to me. My opinion was interesting to her on different subjects.

We told each other that we want to make love with anyone. For some reasons we had the same problems. I let her know that I was not opposite to make love with her for the best sexual organ in in our brain and it can be adjusted up to the situation.

We went out to smoke and there was so much dispair in her eyes. She told me that she needs some one to calm her down. Some one just like me. No obligations, no demands, nothing of that selfish shit. There were my "terms and conditions". She wasn't opposite them. She accepted.

At first she couldn't beleive that she hooked me. She asked me with the shaking voice to kiss her just to prove my intentions. So I did. She trembled in my arms like a huge butterfly or a sparrow. I realized that I'd be able to calm her down.

I cosidered this matter as an act of a charity. But it wasn't. She could give as much as she could accept.

When I came to her place we grabbed each other desperately. We were fucking madly for hours. I saw she flew up to the skyies with me. We rolled about the floor in the most sweatest agony. That's how I spent two mad nights.

But I don't love her at all. I'm not of her level. But I see that she's getting slimmer and more attractive for many people who used to call her ugly. I gave her a chance to change herself. But I don't love her and fear that one day she would tell me about her feelings and I'll have to deny her.

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Lost opportunities

?

It's my habbit to gain the opportunities of taking profits out of my talents.

I could be a musical preformer. I could be a boxer or a wresler. I could be just a student who finished his university with the red dimploma. Finally I could be a husbant(!!!)

But so much for this crap.

If I had followerd my parents' advise or just took their oppinion seriously there were no me in this fucking world.

I am what I am. No one can make me do something against my will. I'm a free human being. Free to decide. Free to do. Free to feel. Free to think.

I always rely on my intuition. I just feel like thinking like I think.

But it took me and my parents a lot of nerves to clear this situations. They shouted at me. They scolded me. They behave like neurotics or histercs. It was indeed a kind of strong patience for me not to obey them 100%. Sometimes I felt like a pieace of ungrateful shit towards them. But kept on diong what I wanted and the further life showed that I was almost always right. Those who were accurate students are now jobeless. Those who dedicated their free time to develop their music perfirmance skills now gave up music. the sportsmen are mostly dull. And those who made a family without proper backup are living their miserable family-lives without any happiness or even joy. All they've got is fucking sorrow of their lost freedom.

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druggzzz=~

Про дурь

Once I tasted Ganja and Hash... I thought that this was MINE dope. I felt high. I liked this dope. When I was high it was terrific to dance the savage dances which scared people around me.But I just felt like dancing!!! I also liked to listen to music being high. Every single cell of my body turned into a tiny ear. It was like diving into the whole universe of sounds. But there was no escape from reality...My plomlems remained unsolved. They grew bigger and more terrible. But I should note that I could type my diploma only when high. And I did it just in time. Till that time my fears were far away. I did not give a shit about'em. My student years were almost over...I feared trying strong drugs. I saw peole round me who were being destroyed by this stuff. I saw them disappearing...diying...I feared that a lot.

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What happened after that

I started building my personality myself. I improved my knowledge in Enlish. I give no shit about the entering some military institues like my Dad wished. I learned Vietnamese in Russia and Vietnam.

My life in this country seems to me as the happiest times in my life. I communicated with people of different countries and different ages. We treated each other like close friends. Then when the visa expired we had to come back to Russia...Then came my Great Depression. Nothing seemed impotrant for me. No one was important. I gave no shit about the University.I had a lao pf problems with my studies' results.There were almost no results. I was like the dead corpse lieing on the bank of the river called life.

@музыка: Beck "Looser"

@настроение: confessing

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First when a child I was the only son of my father

When I was born my dad proclaimed that I was not his child. He said that he'd been too old for having a son (he was 42 then) but his soul was some 60 years old. He was completely disappointed in his life or he turned to behave like that... But his relatives told him that he was completely wrong about my mom whom he considered as some kind of whore. At first when he got to know that my Mom was pregnant he told that it was impossible for him to have a baby. He told that at that moment he was not young enough to make a child...

He hadn't ever trusted her. He had a talant to accumulate lots of negative energy aound him out of nothing.

As the result his communication with my Mom was minimized nerly to zero level. They inly scolded and quarreled...Me Mom poured gallons of tears.

And the most rediculus thing about my Dad was that he didn't know how to behave with me. Our talks had no extensions, our deals were not important even for me.

I distanted from my Dad.